Adolfo Fidel Chavez IV (Big Brother) and Paola Isabel Chavez (Little Sister)

Adolfo Fidel Chavez IV (Big Brother) and Paola Isabel Chavez (Little Sister)
Originally uploaded by killy.

carolina
i wasn't sure what to expect
but again was dealing with a strange sense of
what's the appropriate word
loss is not it
but something similar
something sad and private
when i checked in
killy was gnawingly nervous and excited - my mother was dutiful - my mother-in-law was electric with anticipation
and there i was - sort of forlorn and sort of reverential (???)
in any case
checked in
and taken through every step of registration, admission and prepping quickly and without any problems
the anesthesiologist was very nice - talkative, not overly friendly nor inapporpriately personal - simply a genuinely nice guy - competent, knowledgeable and warm - and quite tall too - he and killy started talking camera - my nurse was named poppy - and she looked like one too - teeny, delicate and sweet with the most straightforward gaze i've come across - it made me aware of how much her surgery mask hides from view - and it made me wonder if with that strong gaze she could see the mysterious sadness i felt - maybe she could tell me what it was
i was splayed flat on a table bed
killy was placed to my right amid wires and guages and beeping machines
i couldn't feel a thing
everyone was smiling
so was i
it was my auto-response to strange situations - try to make everyone comfortable - smiling ensures everyone that i am ok and do not require any special attention
i took a personality test once - my main color was yellow in conflict - i tend to become friendlier in difficult situations in order to avoid conflict
so there i was - smiling a bright yellow smile - trying clearly toidentify and place each and every emotion that was ricocheting all around inside of me
anesthesiologist told killy - twice - stand up stand up and look
he pulled down the blue curtain and killy stood up
he had a full view of the doctors actually pulling her out of me
and he got those shots too
and then i heard her
and all i could see was blue and killy's chin under his camera
and tears welled up in my eyes
then killy was sitting again and i looked over at him - he was crying too - soft deep personal sobs - almost not even there they were so quiet
then killy whispered
carol look
carol look
the curtain was pulled down lower - i stretched my neck to look aover the top
and there she was
they let me look at her
and i couldn't see anymore
there were too many tears

i was aware of an emptiness

i held her while they sewed me up

when adolfo came into the room later - he was wearing his school uniform - i'd made careful arrangments for mamalynda to be the one holding paola so that adolfo wouldn't freak out - i didn't know what to expect

he walked straight towards her in his grandmother's lap - he didn't even notice i was in the room - he approached her and said something like
there's paola my little sister isn't she beautiful
and he rubbed her head

all my sad feelings disappeared

here is my son holding his little sister and here is my beautiful daughter - together in this world

everything is complete

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The birth of Paola Isabel Chavez

The birth of Paola Isabel Chavez Originally uploaded by killy.

I was right! Babies are hardwired for screaming!

Congrats to Carol, Killy, L'il Killy and the various and sundry grandpeople on the timely arrival of Paola Isabel Chavez, all happy and hairy!

The Morning of the Birth of Paola

The Morning of the Birth of Paola
Originally uploaded by killy.

carolina
i slept fitfully this morning - i 'd like to say that it was the anticipation that kept me tossing and turning at three o'clock in the morning - but it was something less exciting and more torturous - i was plagued by indigestion and reflux again - but then this has become a nightly (daily) ritual for the last 3 weeks - i'd almost forgotten about this - the best part of my pregnancies - it's the part when modesty is a forgotten and impractical concept and all you can do for comfort is stroll around scratching your belly in the glorious familiarity of your own skin - regardless of who is around - it's a good thing you all stayed away

but now - in the romantic and soft misty morning - killy hovering like a nectar intoxicated drone is going over the final checklist - diaper bag, overnight bag, magic marker - my mother and father quietly bickering back and forth about the health pros and cons of oatmeal (translate: mucho popo in the coco) - and paola - roiling around in my belly, silently screaming for food - it is becoming all too real

her bedroom is ready and waiting - killy did a beautiful job and now it's fully stocked (lots of adolfo inspired clothing) - finished up some last minute shopping for the room last night - had to change the lightbulbs and get a bassinet sheet and a couple of other things i can't remember - but it's all there - in it's peaceful pink and yellow - waiting

i'm so tired - and so excited - and worried

will my beautiful boy suffer at all - will i neglect him to care for her - will he grow to hate her because she has taken me away from him

how do i address these things if they come up

she will buy him a bike and will present it to him upon her arrival - he will have a gift for her - a project that his grandmother will help him to realize - when he first lays eyes on her, she will be in his grandmother's arms - he and i will continue our nightly bathtime/reading/prayer ritual which will become our time

i hope it doesn't break his heart

killy buzzes by

so what songs will paola inspire?

here's adolfo's list

- popo in the coco
- baby's got the hiccups, hiccups, hiccups
- baby, baby
- chon-cua-ton
- cheepees

we have a camera, a video camera and all sorts of other goodies to capture fleeting accomplishments

she'll fill a book - just like adolfo

next question - do we spend 45.00 for adolfo's pre-k yearbook?

The night before the birth of Paola

Dad! Come see what I did!
Originally uploaded by killy.

Carol is too excited to sleep, not to mention too uncomfortable. She is double checking our bags, doing last minute tidying up. I hooked up the baby monitors and changed the lightbulbs (20 watt bulbs). I borrowed a lens from the office (a nikon compatible Tonika) and ran a quick test. Results, it's slightly sharper and results in better contrast than both my exisiting lenses (Nikon 24mm and 50mm). Mental note: lenses.

I'll use that one for Paola's birth.

Adolfo came home wth a smiley face on his conduct sheet. We walked home together today, just he and i. We watched for cars as we walked down Georgi Ln, and crushed leaves beneath our feet on the sidewalks. He picked up lost acorns and said hi to the neighbors. I wish i could do that more often...

Traditional Santorini-style Blue Dome

IMG_1175
Originally uploaded by brew...beans.

Diana went to Greece. She is still a punk, but she is now a well-traveled punk. She really wants everyone to look at her pictures.

The day before...

Adolfo and his new Helicopter
Originally uploaded by killy.

...Paola Isobel is born and i am at a loss for words. I'm not quite sure what to expect. Some people say it will be easier, others harder. I don't listen to them anyway, i've just allowed myself to be swept away in the whirlwind of life's chores.

Yesterday, Adolfo comes home from school with a 'sad face' on his conduct report and i take him for a talking walk. We walk to the end of the street and i ask him what he did today. He is coy about it - talks softly. I let him get it out and then get on my knees and explain what he did wrong and what he did right. I tell him what not to do and why he shouldn't. I explain his punishment and he sighs heavily like his mother.

I slept in Paola's room last night. It was cool, clean, and inviting. The crib is swollen with pink linens and the changing table is fully stocked with all the familiar supplies. We are prepared for the usual, but as i'm lying there i can't shake the feeling that i am forgetting something; something important. In the dark i realize that i haven't been touching her belly as much as i did with adolfo. I didn't play the guitar nearly as much as i did when adolfo was in carol's belly. I haven't read to her. I haven't spent the time considering what i would do when she was born, I've taken it for granted that i am ready for what she has to dish out.

Soon after that i fell asleep. I didn't come to any conclusions - i'm still not sure if we are ready, but i know for sure we were just as jittery when adolfo's birth neared - i was full of regrets (i didn't have a home for him) and full of uncertainty ...

Yesterday, we bought batteries for this super-ultra-cool toy. He loved it. He was shrieking with laughter in the backyard. Shrieking. Laughing. It was a sound like i'd never heard as potent as his first shrieks of birth. I watched him from inside and then ran out to join him with my camera.